On staying small

Have you ever been offered an amazing opportunity, something you didn’t think was possible, and you respond by doing everything possible to make sure it doesn’t happen? Not because you don’t want it, but because of a million other reasons. “I can’t find childcare. My son will refuse to eat if I’m not with him. My children need me. It’s just too hard.”

And underneath that you discover the voices saying “no way, you’re not good enough to do this. You’re not smart enough. You’re not skilled enough.”

And when you confront those voices and say actually I have taken courses and I’ve studied and I really want to do this then you you hear another voice: “who do you think you are.”

Brene Brown talks about engineering staying small–doing everything possible to stay under the radar. I think that is what I am doing.

I started this blog because being courageous and putting myself out there are my personal values. And I want to identify when I’m self-sabbotaging and do something about it.

And it’s really scary.

I am avoiding searching for childcare because of the many negative experiences I’ve had with childcare in the past. It’s why my husband and I work opposing shifts. I just didn’t want the stress of childcare anymore. But the truth is we’ve had good experiences with childcare too. I feel this self-imposed pressure to put my children before my career. And for me that has meant spending most of my time with them. Also, the cost. So much of what I earn will go toward childcare. But there is the mentorship/experience piece that I simply can’t put a price tag on.

I have to look at the childcare options here. I know I have to.

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